Financial stability and independence

 When my child was barely a year old, their father invited me to his friend's party to launch their new single album, "Verbal Warfare." One of his friends at the party told a story about a new airman who joined his rank. He said and quote verbatim, "Man, this young brat joined the Air Force because he was bored. Like this guy is a million dollars richer than me. He could do whatever he wanted! Can you believe this shit?" I furrowed my eyebrows and asked why it bothered him so much. 

Apparently, his father worked so hard to make ends meet to the point of resentment coming to America. He was told to find his own path and forced him to get an education. Meanwhile, this young Airman's father, was financial well-established enough to consider financially investing in his son's future. I thought considerably about his story and his feelings towards the young Airman. This is what I told him:

"There's no reason for you to despise this young Airman. Since you were paraphrasing his life story in your point of view, you actually inspired me. I'm sorry your father was harsh towards you. I'm sure the young Airman's father was stern towards him as well. As you stated, he didn't know he was a millionaire until his coming of age. You're right to say that he could do whatever he wanted in his life. The fact that he chose to work hard and to enlist in the military is proof enough to say the least, his parents did right by him."

He glared at me asking, "How do you mean?" I explained that even though I am a Christian, there are moral standards in the world where women are expected to educate their children to be an upright citizen. It is expected of men to discipline their children to set them straight towards the right direction. I was the eldest of four children. Only one of four was financially invested. It was all my parents could afford. I may be upset by my parents' decision, but I understood why they made that decision after I became a mother. The financial toll to raise 1 child is enough to make anyone lose their mind.

He pondered for a moment and asked my age. I was only 22. He looked at my child's father, "Man, you're lucky to have a wise woman by your side."

I had saved that money in my child's name since they were 4. That's the youngest age you could apply an account for your child at America First Credit Union. Before we moved to North Carolina, my child's father found out about it. To my regret, that money was spent on a big screen TV.

I tried different ways of replacing that money back. I learned the hard way that investing money at Bank of America was a waste of time. They were taking $50 away from my child's saving as a service fee. That 3% interest was moot. They wanted to charge me $100 for pre-maturely ending the service, but I disputed it when I filed for Chapter 13 Bankruptcy. 

My child was 13 years old when we opened a bank account at a credit union. I shared some of my knowledge on saving money. We each took a class on how to budget our money wisely. Despite my efforts of finding financial stability and independence, it wasn't enough to repay the $35, 000 that was lost.

If I had known that there were other avenues of investing your child's future without buying into the hype of Gerber's Grow-up plan, my child would be financially well off by now. I'm sorry kiddo.

The important thing I learned throughout this experience is that since information is readily available, be wary of misinformation, scams, illegal websites and questionable sources. I have a very smart child. We started them at 4 with a piggy bank. We learned very quickly how impulsive they are with spending money. No matter what keyword I use on the search engine, the results I always received was - the best age to start teaching your child about financial responsibility, is age 7.

There are services available to secure your child's identity from being stolen. I consider myself an apt reader. I learned from one of the Social Security pamphlets is that your child's SSN card should be kept in a safe place until they turn 18. 

My mind was bewildered when someone shared a mother's disappointment on TikTok. Firstly, why are you filming your child's ignorance in public? Secondly, why did you give your child's SSN? Lastly, why does your child own a mobile device that can transmit personal information to who knows where?

I am a proponent of educated decisions. Mistakes will happen. Last thing you want your child to feel is degradation. Of all the mistakes my child made, I never once insulted or criticized them. Sure, I was disappointed, but my core personality will always look for resolutions: "How can I fix this?" Sadly, there are some things you truly cannot fix.

One of the things my father taught me:

• "Never ask for money. Never lend money." In other words, "Detach yourself from owing money or lending money."
• Live below your means.
• If you find yourself owing money, pay it in full as soon as you earn money from work.
• Do not gamble with a swindler.

When I enlisted in the Air Force, we were briefed about financial responsibility. I learned a lot about the value of money. These were some of the points I took note of:

• Get a financial advisor
• Build your credit
• Secure your personal information
• Know your finances by becoming financially literate
• Establish financial boundaries
• Shop around for the best investments towards your financial goal

Although I may seem financially stable, I still have to remember these lessons. Despite how financially careful I am with money, I can still get reeled in by scammers. Since I have a 35 character password to secure my personal information, if I ever make one careless mistake surfing on the Internet, I will lose 20 years of my life's savings.

I could have done a lot of things when I was younger. It doesn't seem fair to ruminate over the things I should have done as an adolescent since 1) I was under my parent's mercy, 2) I was not allowed to form an opinion, 3) my personal goals were not considered family goals, and 4) I was indebted to my parents' household as the eldest child.

My advice to all young parents out there, please see to the need of each individual child. You are beholden to their well-being; not the other way around. Always do right by them - respect their individually. If you can't financially invest in them, then teach them how to be financially responsible.

The final send off to an empty nest

I was debating for a while whether or not to write this chapter. 

When my child graduated high school, they decided to live with their father. After discussing the possibilities with them, they were determined that their father would provide for all of their needs better than my husband and I would. 

Despite our fair warning, a year has passed. They sent us an updated notification of their well-being. They are currently living with their paternal grandmother. They dropped out of the last semester due to lack of funds. They have found a retail job to keep up with their financial responsibilities. 

Even though we opened our door to them, they decided it would be difficult to adhere to the house rules. To be honest, it hasn't changed since the day they were born.

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House rule #1 Respect each household member's property, personal boundaries and privacy. 

House rule #2 Take responsibility in what you say and do. Mistakes happen. Learn from it.

House rule #3 Communicate with all household members especially when crisis occur. Having an open channel of communication builds trust, integrity and support within the household to become healthy and successful. 

House rule #4 Sit still and remain calm in a state of chaos. If you're angry, take a walk. If you're hurt, say something. If you're afraid, ring the desk bell or call for help. If there's an emergency, dial 911. 

House rule #5 Return all things where they belong. If any items become dirty, wash them and then return it to its original location. 

House rule #6 Keep all the rooms neat and tidy. All refuse and trash should be removed at the end of the day or when the trash bins are full.

House rule #7 Do not abuse or vandalize the household furnishings or utilities. Dining tables are not couches. Couches are not trash bins. Turn/Switch off the lights when not in use. Fill up the water reservoir when the water level is half full. 

House rule #8 When in doubt, ask questions. Never assume.

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Andreas and I tried to keep it as simple as we can. Andreas did most of the discipline. I was too authoritarian for Ananda. 

Ananda also updated us on their new identity. His new name is Ash. Since I couldn't get them to explain why they chose that name, I renewed their name to Ashkenaz. I'm glad they like it. I gave them the middle name I had planned to give to the baby I would have if they were born a male child. They liked it too. 

I wished them well in their future endeavor. I hope all things will work out for the best in their favor. 

I am actually surprised that I am enjoying my role as a sage. I rarely get a call or requests for visits. I do miss them from time to time. 

Above all else, I am very proud of them.

Adjusting with transition

 It was only 6 months ago when my child announced that they felt more masculine than they did feminine. With a sigh of relief, I no longer have to feel the guilt and pain I endured in silence for 18 years.

It was only 2 years ago when they left our household. It was nice to see them again when they got their vaccination. 

I remember when they hit puberty. They were not very happy. I can't blame them. It's difficult being a woman. Especially one who is of mixed ethnicity. 

I did my best to relate the struggles with them. I had always been labeled "half-breed," "worthless," "hopeless," or "useless" by the crass members of my family. I learned that sharing my experience with a teenager dealing with body dysmorphic disorder only caused more tension than relief. They're right. I wouldn't understand what it's like to feel trapped in a body you never meant to have.

I confessed to him my shame. I didn't use protection during copulation with their father. I contracted Chlamydia. His father denied having extra sexual affairs before consorting with me. Nevertheless, both of us had to take antibiotic. Another reason why my biological microbiomes were shot. It affected their pre-natal development in utero. They would have still been born if I had waited for their father to stop flirting around with other women.

During my 2nd Trimester, my obstetrician-gynecologist noticed he was developing rather slowly. She had to schedule weekly appointments with me to make sure he was developing without complications. My appetite was up, I was always bursting with energy. His father kept reminding me to slow down if I wanted our child to be healthy.

6 months pregnant

 As you can tell from this picture, I was carrying low. I later found out that it's because I'm a petite person. He was supposed to be due on May 7, but when March 31 came around, my water broke around 7 pm.

His father was working the night shift so his god-parents drove me to the hospital instead. My ob-gyn wasn't expecting me this early. She ran some vital signs.

The test results came back that his lungs were not fully developed yet. She told me to hang in there until she received approval to give me steroids shot for him. I was worried as to why anyone would prevent a woman's pregnancy from progressing. I prayed my heart out to God. I cried myself to sleep.

If I had been admitted in Brunei, the doctor would have taken care of the issue right away. There weren't any requirements for approval from an insurance company. Brunei is known for its free healthcare for its citizens. Even though permanent residents get to pay partial fees for healthcare services, the private health insurance pays the rest.

I waited for 3 hours for his father to come by my side. Instead, I was molested by a substitute ob-gyn, whom I reported later to my primary ob-gyn. Dr Frasier checked up on me to see if I was okay after that incident. I told her that the substitute doctor was creepy (He asked me if I enjoyed having his hand inside me) and needed his license taken away. She assured me that it would be taken care of. 

She took her calipers and gave a chirpy announcement, "Well, did you know that you were 10 centimeters dilated? How do you feel? Any pain yet?"

I was partially drowsy and awake. I mumbled, "No..." After 10 seconds, "Now that you've mentioned it, I am feeling a sharp pain. Ow..."

Dr Frasier took another sonogram. She came back with her crew and reported back that my child is ready. His lungs were almost developed. She asked if it was okay for her to put in some fluids for the lungs to fill up before I push. I gave my permission.

The nurse asked me if I wanted an epidural. I asked how painful the epidural was. She was amused by the question and showed me a medium sized syringe with an 8 cm needle saying, "This is an epidural. You won't feel a thing."

WHAT?!

I regretted my decision when I tried to push without the epidural. The nurse was right. I didn't feel a thing after I asked for the epidural. I couldn't feel my legs or any effort of muscles pushing. His father finally arrived. He barely helped. I wanted to faint. I was exhausted, and sleepy. I had to push.

After 2 hours of labor, our handsome baby was born. "It's a girl!"

I was too tired. I was in disbelief. I could have sworn it was going to be a boy. I was active. I was eating a lot of meat and vegetables. As long as I didn't over eat or sup before bed, I didn't get any morning sickness. Then I remembered the chlamydia. 

They didn't make the 50th percentile. They were 4 lbs 7 oz at 45 cm. Their father made a cruel joke of wanting to buy me a baby doll set since I gave birth to a baby doll.

I still couldn't feel my legs. The nurse had to massage my legs since his father refused to do so. When I was able to move around later in the evening, I massaged my legs instead. I wished I hadn't taken the epidural. My leg muscles never fully recovered from all that numbness.

The first 7 years living with his father was between a rock and a hard place. I wanted to be a stay-at-home mother until they were old enough to walk. However, his father decided to file as a conscientious objector. He was unemployed and a convalescent. I had to work, go to school and manage the household by my lonesome. 

My absence became their anxiety. I never knew that his father neglected their needs. When I won my custody battle, I had to visit them instead of becoming their custodian during the interim of my divorce. On March 8, 2009, I took them home with me. I was grateful that I had full custody. The following decade led to a lot of heartache, tension, strife, triumph, forgiveness and reconciliation.

My husband and I never treated them as a specific gender. Whatever they wanted to get that was non-gender specific, they earned it by following the rules. The only gender specific items we had to get them were the sanitary pads and feminine toiletries. We had to explain the chemical difference between a male and female body. Nevertheless, the tension regarding this matter worsened.

During their stay in our household, I've always reminded them that they will continue to be loved just the way they are. Their slothfulness and enmity towards the household rules were getting out of hand. Whether they realized it or not, we've always made sure that they were fed, had enough sleep, comforted during their struggles, encouraged during their trials, celebrated during their accomplishments; and best of all, included in all of our quality time together as a family.

My husband helped me build my communication skills. It was also helpful when I participated in self-help classes and continued my therapy with a different doctor.

Regardless of their in utero development issues, I've always known in my heart that they were meant to be where they are. I'm happy and proud for who they are. I'm glad that they are happy with their body as they should be.

All souls are part of God. They are neither male or female until God created them a body: male and female as mankind. For in humanity (enoshut), humankind (ben 'enosh) is born into the world. Our spirit is given to us when we are born. Whether we choose to acknowledge it, we will continue to struggle with Śūnyatā, envy, anger, pain, hatred, deception, delusions, depression, anxiety and slothfulness. 

As a bisexual cis woman, I have learned to be aware of how I communicate with my adopted transgender sister (they know who they are), a social media celebrity, and my recent rainbow child.

There will be a lot of bloopers and accidents along the way. Please be patient with me. I'll eventually exercise the proper etiquette in addressing all of you.