I admit I can get into a violent rage. Who doesn't? The little one managed to steal my ice-cream, hogged the roast beef and interrupt my guitar practice in the past several days. I really had to think through about how I should react to her behavior. I decided it would be best if I just leave the room, do something else useful instead of mouthing off words I don't really intend to do. That's what I just did.
Five years ago was a different story. It was a long haul and self-disparagement to break the barriers of angry temperaments. In a sense, I'm helping her notice that I am capable of managing my anger. She's a very gullible child. She's going to make it hard on herself if she continues to give in to peer-pressure rather than stand for what she truly believes in. We told her numerous times that it is better for her to discover her dreams rather than follow other people's passion. We also provided her the different concepts between being inspired and being influenced.
See, if I had a parent like me, I would have been a better person about how I dealt with others. Yes, that's saying a lot. I don't disrespect my parents. It's not the person I am. No, it's not a self-acclaimed accomplishment. There were situations in my life where I had to really stand up for myself. It's not really easy living in a domestic violent home; especially when I was deemed the "negotiator" between my mother and father. The last time I had to be in between their heated argument, was when the neighbors had called in the authorities for disturbing the peace. In the end, the lessons I learned that day were, I was actually capable of holding on my own, and that I was not the reason for their failed relationship.
In reality, I will always be alone in that battle. My sisters would not understand the damage my mother had engulfed in my life as her "shield". 26 years - my mother still believes I need to be by her side. Yet in all the pile of rubble, the child in me still yearns for her respect. In all honesty, I don't have the heart to leave my mother's side. Surely, there are things between us we cannot agree on. We are very different people with very different perspective on life. Despite all the respect and loyalty I devoted to her, the way she treats me hasn't changed. Henceforth, I keep my distance from her. Yes, I meant that in an austere sentiment.
She stayed in her marriage for the sake of duty. I left my marriage for the sake of happiness. Just because a marriage happens, doesn't mean your personal goals have to end. She could have been the next Marie Curie. She chose to be with her husband, who wanted her to stay home and care for the children. She's an ambitious woman. She took 7 jobs, paid the bills, hired a gardener and a house-keeper, and still managed to get a Master's Degree in Mathematics. If that doesn't give you an idea the kind of person my mother is, I don't know what else would convince you otherwise.
That is something my daughter will never understand. She may not agree with the things I tell her to do. The least she could do is show some respect and consideration. We have a suspicion that she was influenced by the children at school. I've been to the school events. I am certain not all children in America are spoiled brats and braggarts. Unfortunately, not all smart children have smart parents.
I will never stop learning new things. I made my daughter aware of this fact. I've been told by several elders in my life time growing up, that I was wise beyond my years. Yes, I will admit to that. It was what my father taught me. I do listen. It may not be to other's sense of expectation, but I will comply to what makes sense. I do hope in time, she will realize that on her own.
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