My journey as a mother had been challenging while raising my daughter to the young woman she is today. I never could imagine how much pride swells within me to see her head-strong, confident and determined.
I was 22 when I got pregnant. My mother was never happy with my life decisions especially when she heard the news. She yelled and screamed at me over the phone; demeaning me as any Christian mother would. I was not a prostitute by any embodiments she believed I was. I hated myself for admitting my mistake. Not because I got pregnant, but because I gave in to the charms of a man whom I believed was my soulmate.
Apart from my mother demanding that I abort this "evil" and "godless" child, I sought solace in my best friend's advice. He was sad to hear about my predicament and shocked that my mother would suggest a horrible act. Nevertheless, I prayed my heart out. I was alone and uncertain. I broke his heart. He was such a sweetheart about it. We were in a long distance relationship. He was in Asia. I was in America. He assured me that God has forgiven me and stated that everything would work out in the end. He gave me his blessings to marry the man I had relations with whom, was carrying their child.
It wasn't until my late 20s that I learned Mary, Yashuah's mother was a young unmarried woman who got pregnant. Joseph wanted to end the engagement because he didn't want to deal with the shameful act he had with Mary. Well, that's what happens when you have sex with a young woman. Plant the seed and it will grow. At any rate, the correlation that the man I grew to fall in love with was also named Joseph. Ultimately, Mary carried the child, raised him until he was old enough to be independent.
In God's eyes, I was just like Mary - uncertain, happy, excited, worried and grateful at the same time. When my daughter was born, I knew right away she was going to be a challenge to raise. The way she looked intently into my eyes yet stared softly when her father came to hold her in his arms.
Even though I had divorced her father, she understood my decision was sound and reasonable. She still hated the fact that I left her. I kept assuring her that she was never abandoned nor forgotten. I just had to leave because I didn't feel safe. She adores my husband. She emulates him more than she does with me. Amusing as it seems, I was right on the nose about her character.
She is everything my childhood should have been minus the divorce situation. When she called me on Mother's Day (5/10/2020), my heart fluttered when she told me how much she missed me. My heart swelled once more of my motherhood journey. I am grateful to be part of her life. I'm glad to hear she felt the same.
All the "could-have-been"s in my life faded away. **
I love my mother. I missed her dearly. My relationship with her soured when I was 14 years old. I will summarize it for you as best I can. You see, my mother believes she is a devout Pentecostal Christian. I didn't get indoctrinated until I was 7 years old. She told me how much she regretted her decision for waiting too long to make me a Christian. To this day, my curiosity was always a detriment to her authority as a parent. I always asked her the hard questions. She believes that my curiosity tempts her to doubt her own beliefs. Whatever the case, my curiosity is of sound mind and knowledge for truth.
If she could only see through my eyes the pain and suffering I went through when she burnt my belongings, had an imposter exorcist perform an exorcism ritual and almost got kidnapped by them, molested by a boy she allowed to stay the night in my bedroom, or for feeling violated when she poked and prodded me; especially when she called me ugly, stupid, worthless and hopeless. The emotional turmoil she put me through using the Bible verses to crush my soul every time she didn't like the things I said or did.
I will always tell the story of my experience as a Born-again Christian from the ugly beginning. It is the truest spiritual transformation of Christ's sacrifice on the cross and God's promise of grace and forgiveness any disciple of Christ would profess. Zacchaeus was a cheater, a swindler and a thief. Yet, Jesus came to see him. Despite the fact that everyone hated Zacchaeus, Jesus called for him and asked for shelter in their household. In honor of Jesus' attention, kindness and compassion, Zacchaeus gave up his riches and followed him. Zacchaeus' personal story was ugly from the beginning. That didn't stop God from letting Jesus reach out to him in the end. That was how my testimony was like.
God pulled me out of my darkness, showed me that Christ's light has always been with me; and I was forgiven for all my sins (wrath, lust, gluttony and pride). My redemption was through God's unfailing love and faithful promises [Jeremiah 29:11]. Despite my numerous attempts of reconciling my relationship with my mother, I always end up sacrificing my well-being. The vicious cycle of contempt my own mother has towards me, not only caused us to be further apart but she has become more aloof than she ever was before.
Every correspondence I sent her in order to console her reservations against me fell to deafened ears. I wrote to her that I remembered how she used to comfort me in my sadness, protected me from my fears and praised me during my accomplishments. These were the moments I treasured the most. These have always been my hope to have that vulnerability in our relationship again. After all these years trying over a period of time, to convey my honest feelings - for whatever reason, she insists that all my words were lies and deceitful "half-truths." I had set boundaries with trial and error. There were moments of silence from her either for a quarter to almost half a year in between our constraint relationship. We did not speak to each other for almost 2 or 3 years ago.
My sisters had asked me to join them for a surprise Mother's Day (5/10/20) celebration via Zoom. She was deeply moved by our gesture. After the Zoom event, she called me. We shared our stories and she voiced her concerns about the future. For the first time in my life, I truly believed we connected with each other in all honesty that day.
The next morning, I received a text message. She wanted me to remove all the ugly dark things on my Facebook page. That's one petty thing to fuss over. She did not like the gift I sent her. It was a Luna Moth encircled with a mandala over the shapes of each moon cycle. She didn't like it because it tormented her spirit in a bad way. That's understandable. I get it. I kind of figured she would find an excuse to return a gift. It's not the first time she done so.
This is where the epiphany** happened. She stated over the phone (5/14/20) unless I become clean and recommit my life to my first love, Jesus Christ, our relationship can never be realized. I asked her in disconcertment, "Why are we at this again?" I have not ruminate over this tension for almost a decade. Yet, here we are.
How is my relationship with God have anything to do with my relationship with hers? God is a separate entity. God is not human. Nor should we andromorph God's divinity. Not only that, she suggested that my husband change his name; so that it does not include the word "Black," and that we (both my husband and I) should burn all of our black clothes. In addition to this condition, I should stop having fellowships with non-Pentecostal people.
It was devastating to start the relationship from scratch again; yet not surprising she would succumb to pushing my boundaries once more. She accused me of verbally abusing her, disrespecting her authority and disrupting her well-being for so many years, it was time to let me go. So be it. Amen. That was the end of the conversation we had on Friday (5/15/20).
Nothing else matters now because I am free from the chains she was dragging me from. As sad as it sounds, I am grateful to still be alive, healthy and resolute. I will always be a sinner. I will never see myself better than anyone else on the basis that God saved my soul. True as it may, His promise remained true for me [Matthew 5]. I am His living testimony of how Love manifested in my life. Despite my mother's accusations of maltreating her, I have come to accept the fact that she will never change her perception of me. Will I always be the rebellious, ingrate and obstinate child she wish I was never born? Am I just like my father - an abusive monster? No; I am not my past. I never was and never will be. A life story will always be history - not necessarily a truth. A premonition may either be a dream or a hind-sighted deja vu. It was just as I had predicted to her a long time ago at the age of 14. She is the epitome of King Lear.
Even after writing this blog, I can say with gratitude and supplication with God's grace, I still love my mother. I don't feel heavy-hearted as I used to feel after a heated bout with my mother. It has been 5 days since my mother bid me farewell. I've never felt so much at peace. It's not indifference I'm feeling. I'm actually feeling compassion and self-control.
She has pointed out that negative thoughts should not enter my mind. My decision to let go of the negative things in my life should come to pass. I had expected more from my mother than she could possibly deliver.
I will accept my humanness to feel disappointed. However, my sanctification through Christ, has drawn me closer to God. As a sinner, I can comfortably come to God with a contrite heart. Profess my weakness before the Father in Heaven. I don't need her as my witness nor do I need her approval.
Even though I haven't had a real connection with my mother since I was 7, I have learned to control my temper. I understand the motherly concern she has for me. I can relate to this as I am a mother as well. In circumspect with me, she has to realize I am an adult. I have my own family now. My husband is the sole principal of the household after Christ. Even though I am a co-bread winner to my husband financially, I am by appointment, the Spiritual ambassador through Christ of our household.
She needs to understand that I have not abandoned my promise to care for her when she is in her later years. She has always been an independent individual. Her mother is in her early 90s. At this age, only begun to receive support from my aunt. My mom shouldn't worry. If her mother can live independent for that long, so can she. Based on to our last conversation, I am actually proud that she has accomplished a lot during our "furlough" from each other. I believed her when she passionately shared her experience using the Enneagram and Dr Leaf's therapeutic methods to live a better life. I fully support her desire to restore her humanity in God's grace.
Despite the undeniable tribulations in our past, I love her just the same. I have said what I needed to say. I have done what I needed to do apart from her adulation that I will always be her baby. There were a lot of things I could never do despite her insistent badgering. I believe this is one of the many reasons our relationship has gone awry.
Nevertheless, the cross roads have come to an end. I cannot go where she wants me to go. My relationship with God is where it needs to be. God's way is perfect. He has a plan for my Spiritual Journey where no one can walk but me. As Pastor Medina once foretold, my path is narrow and difficult. I cannot waver. My commitment to Christ must be steadfast. I made an oath to God. I should always keep it. My life may not be what my mother wants me to have. It's not her decision to do so.
I lead by example. This is how I will lead my daughter to her own salvation and freedom - knowing what is right; challenge the test to find truth, and make the right choice. Even if it's the wrong one, make amends, compromise, forgive and move forward. It takes courage to admit the mistakes begot. Even when the journey is rough, never be to proud to seek help. Always lend a hand. Always know that you are loved. In the darkest moment, shine your light to those who need it the most.
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