I had just finished the 1st chapter of "The Connected Parent," by Dr. Karyn Purvis and Lisa Qualls. I heard about this book when Pastor Steve Wiens interviewed Jim and Lynn Jackson regarding their Connected Families community service.
I enjoyed the podcast so much, I went to Jim and Lynn's website to pre-order the book. Unfortunately, I moved and it was either lost in transition or have been returned. I was looking frantically for my receipt hoping I could get a redelivery. I was 2 years too late when I found the receipt. I ordered from Amazon and it arrived within a few days.
The reason why I wanted to own this book was to help me understand where I need to explore my parental abilities to allow my child to respect me as I am. Now that my child is in her 20s, all I could do now is be a better mentor and guidance counselor.
I was in tears just reading Chapter 1. Every experience and method they shared in this chapter validated my struggles. My approach in getting StepUp Ministry involved was definitely the best choice and opportunity I was given at the time. I am grateful for their Youth program: Real World Strategies. I am very proud of my child's accomplishments.
I recall being ridiculed when I told my parents I had taken parenting classes when my child was born. I felt angry. Since children were present, I kept my silence. My parents never thought highly of me. It took my father 30 years to realize his mistake. We reconciled our relationship in 2009; a year before his death in 2010.
I recalled every single memory. I realized my past was affecting my present. I assured my child every day - as much as possible - that I love them just the same. I admitted to my limitations and struggles as they watched me communicate with my own mother. I never intended for my child to hate my mother. My child does not have the complexity to understand why I would still love an abusive parent.
I only have one mother. A mother who used to love and care for me. Whatever happened along the way when we emigrated to Brunei, I knew it was not my fault. I became aware that she physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually abused me. I was only 6. I was used as a punching bag and a sexual specimen.
Going through the motions of reconnecting with my mother was a daunting task. Regardless of how much I instill my boundaries up front, she continues to violate them with menace. At some point in my life, I had to finally close the door. I grieved my loss of ever reconciling my relationship with my mother in August 2020.
I never intended to hurt my child with them being affected with my internal battles. If it were not for my 2nd husband, they would have suffered more than the feeling of negligence.
You see, when my maternal leave was up, I pleaded with their father that I couldn't go to school and be a mother at the same time. My absence was detrimental to their connection development as an infant. I remember them crying every time I went to work. I had always wondered why. After realizing what the reason was, I had to address it immediately. Instead of their father working through the struggles with me, they decided to retaliate with physical violence. I tried different ways to make the marriage work. In the end, the last straw was when they decided that threatening my life was their way out of the marriage.
When I took off, they made sure that my child was completely abandoned by me. That was far from the truth. I had attempted to leave with my child once before, but they stopped me at the door. He ordered our child to go to their room. When it was clear, they grabbed me by the neck and threatened my life: if I even try to leave with his child. He added that they didn't care if our child witnessed him murdering me in front of them.
With Interact's help, my plan for safety took 1 year. Within 3 weeks, I won my legal case against him. The divorce was final and I gained custody of my child on March 8, 2009. On my birthday, my sister and 2nd husband, who was my fiancé at the time, surprised me with a plane ticket to visit California. It was relieving and painful at the same time. Being ridiculed for taking parenting classes was the least of my worries.
My mother continued to physically (sexual) and emotionally abuse me. I had to beg my child to lock the bathroom door when they had to use it. My fiancé tried to comfort me during our visit as much as he could. Such a brave soul. I thank God for him everyday. He assured my child that what I was asking of them was for their own safety.
I have always been aware of my past. I never realized I had PTSD until I was diagnosed by the VA. I am grateful that they extended their program to me even though my PTSD wasn't combat related. I have completed their Self-care and Mindfulness well-being classes from 2012 - 2016.
Even though I am able to manage my clinical Depression and PTSD, my chronic anxiety is still prominent. I realize it greatly affects my child. I try my best to not let it affect them. All I can do is continue being honest.
Even though I struggle to make sense with my parenting skills, I know I did the best I could with the resources I had at the time. It took a decade for the both of us, my child and I, to reconcile our differences. I cannot express how much they have matured to the person they are now. I'm enjoying every moment I spend time with them.
I wish I could say the same between my mother and I. Unfortunately, I had to do away with my fantasy and deal with the reality that this relationship was exactly as it was foretold 27 years ago. There are some battles you just can't win.
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