The Age of Consent

I know this is a sensitive subject to some people, but it still has to be addressed. In the light of all things considered, the decision in choosing to be complacent in ignorance, the more likely you or your loved one are bound to be hurt by everyone involved. Yes, that would include you too. I am well aware of my redundancy. I believe the age of consent should start as as early as age 4 (Pre-school/Kindergarten). A child should have every right to say, "NO!" and run away from any person intending them harm.

I'm not asking for lawmakers to change what has already been established. I reserve the right to educate my child on how to deal with people, who lack the ability to understand the restrictions of crossing personal boundaries.

I am very fortunate that my daughter has finally understood the restrictions of personal space and boundaries. I was not part of the conversation, but I was told that my daughter had overheard that someone at her school have just started to become sexually active. I was thinking to myself, "At what point in time did someone believe this was a good idea?"

However, in regards to the subject at hand; I was rest assured that my daughter did not see fit to lose all her future plans as an artist to peer pressure of being sexually active. With that being said, she also has to understand the level of scrutiny undermining another girl at school, who has chosen to become sexually active at the age of 15.

Recollecting all the memories I had in high school brought me back to a time line where I grew up being constantly reminded: "If you are seen walking with a student of the opposite gender (in the exception of school activities such as drama, club conventions, class projects and the like), you will be suspended from school." With that being said, I was always cautious with what I was doing since most of the classmates I hung out with were of the opposite gender.

High School for me was more than just learning academics. It was also about learning to be social, and tolerant of others, who were incapable of grasping the concept of good sportsmanship and camaraderie.

This picture was taken when I was around 7 or 8 years old

The first time I was bullied at school, I was in first grade. I thought my parents were going to get mad at me. I did not have a sturdy built stature. My parents were against self-defense. Needless to say, despite my efforts in trying to defend myself, I was just not able fight 5 boys all by my lonesome. I was bloody and bruised all over. Even after my father filed a complaint, it did not stop the harassment.

Even after I was transferred to a new school, I was not the same compassionate little girl my parents remembered. I was aggressive and sought out friends to come up with avant-garde ways in deflecting threats. After a few spankings at school and at home, I became indifferent to my well-being. It did not matter whether or not I cared about my situation as long as the aggressor lost their ground of being dominant.

My perspective changed when I was transferred to another school to accompany my younger sister. I learned that good guys do actually exist on the planet. I also learned that immature adults do exist too. I had a teacher, who constantly harassed me. As I have said before, my stature was always a good target for harassment. I thought my parents wouldn't believe me. I thank God for good friends who told my parents otherwise. When my parents had filed a complaint against this immature man, he resorted to insulting me instead. He was later fired after several counts of other students, who finally spoke up about his harassment and abusive behaviors.

By the time I entered high school, I was already renowned for my prowess and ingenuity with deterring harassment. I didn't think much of it then until I wrote this blog; realizing that I started something good.

Let me give you a good example of what I mean. I've always hated wearing skirts and dresses because the feeling of the breeze around my thighs were uncomfortable to me. My mother is a progressive feminist. It was her suggestion that I wore shorts or leggings underneath my frocks. My female classmates never knew this until we got to high school. The high school building had a set of spiral stairs instead of a solid flight of steps.

Photo credit: Student of St. Andrew's School, Brunei

I remember I was told to take the solid flight of steps, which was several classes down the hallway instead of the spiral staircase, which led directly to our classroom because there were boys lurking underneath them. I just shrugged and laughed at the boys, who were heckling me. As I tossed my skirt up in the air fashioning a sports legging underneath, the other girls jeered at the boys along with me. (No, I was not the designer of the skorts. That started as a tennis fashion right after I was born.) After that incident, the number of boys lurking underneath the stairs decreased.

By the time I got to Junior high, there were rumors about girls getting raped at the roof of the school. I was concerned and afraid at the same time. Whether or not the rumors were true, I had always made sure that my sisters and I were never subjected to be in that situation. The rumors got pretty bad when one of the female students was labeled "slut." I felt like I should have said something to stop the demeaning insults because I was led to believe that it was her fault for wearing skirts, which were against school policy (skirt length has to be 1/2" to 3/4" below the knee or above the ankle).

It wasn't until I watched 'The Accused' (starring Jodie Foster), that I learned rape is not a woman's fault. The subject in itself was taboo for my parents because it's not something worth talking about. I didn't understand their reasoning at the time until I was in my mid-20s.

Just because the Jews in Biblical times had to marry off their daughters to their rapists doesn't mean they (my parents) have to comply with their doctrines too. What modern practicing Jew would want to do so?

My religious knowledge instructor had raised this awareness in class. To what extent does the law allow the age of consent? Parents in areas of poverty have to resort to heinous acts such as selling off their young children for monetary support. Not realizing the harm they have caused their children. Not every good intention of a stranger is a favorable gesture. The Department of Community Development of Brunei Darussalam has a hot-line for children to call if they feel threatened in their own home. 

Even when we had sex education from our Science instructor, there were certain aspects of the subject she could not communicate to the class. The lessons were basic and to the point. I was sexually harassed in class because I had a smaller chest than most of the girls. The constant banter was whether or not I wore any under garments; and if so to describe what they were. These students figured why I should even bother wearing any since I had "none" to begin with. Even when I addressed my concern to the teachers, their sympathy to my situation did not help resolve the issue. As my mother had put it, "If you can't handle a harmless jester, you will be inapt to adjust accordingly when it matters the most."

I beg to differ. Any form of harassment or violent act regardless of circumstances, the victim is still at the losing end. Without support or reliable resources or getting justified retribution of the assailant, the victim will never surpass positive outlooks of their future; let alone heal from their deep seated wounds.

If it were not for Angela Shelton, "Safe Side Superchick" would never have taught children to learn how to defend themselves from ill-motivated contribution or courtesy.

There are so many resources and programs for women out there; yet, I feel there's such an imbalance for men. I am for equal rights. If Project Consent is progressing towards equal opportunity for men, I applaud their efforts. Any form of activism has put a damper on my radar mainly because I have learned that human behaviors in regards to forward progression has always been very short-lived.

Whether or not the future holds better opportunities for both men and women to become equal partners in society, the society as it stands now, will always be for the 'Survivors of the Fittest.'

How to raise children in a capitalist society

Every child is different. They each have their own personality and views of how they see the world. Many parents both young and old have ways of raising their children. To some of those who regard themselves part of society, will incline themselves to want to show you that they know better than you do. Don't be that person at home.

How do we, parents, raise each children to be model citizens? Stop conforming to what society expects from your child. Further more, lead by example. You are your child's only role model. Forget about how you were raised. I know it's easier said than done, but healing yourself from your past certainly does your parenting skills a bit of good.

Whether or not your family is run by a patriarch or a matriarch, it is important not to rule out the importance of respect and responsibility. Teaching your child to be responsible and respectful goes a long way. Most importantly, be patient with them. When raising more than one child becomes a burden, don't be afraid to ask the older ones to help you out. Spending time with them is also important. Regardless of how busy you are at work or at home, take the time to make an appointment with them. Allowing your children to be respectful and considerate of your free time is also important. We, parents, need some time to ourselves too. Having a healthy relationship with your spouse is also important. Meeting the needs of each other will demonstrate to your children that having a good marriage is possible. Divorce is not fun. Having your children understand that their existence is not the cause of the divorce is very crucial. 

Having a good relationship with someone is challenging. It takes patience, respect and compromising to make it work. No one should be forced to stay in a marriage if there is abuse or blatant infidelity. I know some of you would think, "Why bother marrying someone if you know that person is a cheater?" First off, you wouldn't know. I am for long term friendship and intimacy before making a full time commitment of marriage. Heaven forbid if a child is conceived outside the marriage clause. Society loses their mind whenever a woman gets pregnant outside of marriage.

As a family, regardless how bad things get, should always help each other out. I never got help from my parents when I got pregnant before getting married. Abortion was not something I had in mind. Honestly, I loved my daughter's father. It was rather unfortunate he had become abusive during our time together. The divorce was harsh on everyone; including my daughter. I believe that a woman should have the choice for abortion; especially when they have been forced upon by oppressive men, who believe they have every right to a woman's body. 

I can't blame any one parent for any men who believe that they are God's gift to women. Society has been filling every children's mind with an ideal. The ideology that men should behave a certain way and women another. Society doesn't care about the family; only what benefits them socially, economically and financially. 

So, with that being said, what resources can we use to help ourselves to be better parents? Doing lots of research. Believe me, I read plenty of magazines, health articles and parenting blogs. It may be exhausting, but a little tip here and there from other parents can lift a lot of burden off your shoulders. Raising a child is not easy. I cannot imagine raising more than 6 children. Education and health resources become highly expensive. 

I have every reason to believe that the capitalist society are raising prices of our education and our health benefits. To what extent, is beyond me. Even government programs like WIC and food stamps require proof of income. Your household cannot earn a certain amount of money to qualify for government housing. Honestly, how can a family get by financially with their means to support a new set of family? The problem is not with society. The problem is within the home.

If we cannot teach our children to be responsible and respectful to each other, what makes us think that society can do the same for our family? Why have we allowed society to take hold of our sanctuary? What is the purpose of my blog? I'm not here to condemn the family. I'm here to make the individual families aware that the foundation of their home has gone awry. The family is the central unity of our individuality. A place we call home. A community in which we are accepted individuals. A family filled with unconditional love, unwavering respect and mutual understanding.

If our children do not feel the security of a family, we failed as parents. Society will do whatever it takes to take hold of our home; especially the broken family. So, how do we act?

1. Let your children know you love them unconditionally

2. Harsh lessons are better at home than it is outside the home

3. Be kind to one another. All of you. If you can't respect each other, why would you expect your children to do the same?

4. Forgive each other; including yourself

5. Set boundaries. Even a child needs to know that mommy and daddy need time alone too.

6. Aspire your child's interest; even if they want to copy you, don't turn it down

7. Do not set expectations you know you can't fulfill yourself

8. Make every moment fun

9. Mistakes happen. Don't sweat it

10. Do the best you can with what you have. Be thankful always.

What to do when your child shaves their eyebrows

I was devasted when I found my daughter without her eyebrows the morning I took her to get ready for school. I thank God that she didn't have a class photo event that day.

1. Don't panic. It will only worsen the situation. Okay. I admit. I reacted a little. Yes, a little. Needless to say, I'm still proud of myself for not over reacting to her badly done pencil liner attempt.

2. Remain calm. I actually realized how calm I had been these past three years since my therapy sessions seven years ago. I was actually sent to go ahead to get ready for work. Yes, I did get into anxiety mode went I got to the bedroom.

3. Ask Google for help. 152 hits. Surprisingly relieved that I was not the only parent. I read that Ulta sells DipEyebrow. The blogger mentioned a few cosmetic tips that helped her save her child's day.

4. Compromise with spouse to allow you to help devasted and embarrassed child. It took a lot of convincing. I was glad he gave me a chance; considering I have worked at a retail cosmetic department before. He has seen how impressive I can be with makeup. 

5. Thank your lucky stars that it wasn't as bad as you thought it would be. I was actually impressed with myself pasting my donated eyebrow hair to her skin with the help of hairspray. I had to dab a bit of eyeshadow, eye liner and concealer to make the stubbies less noticable before I pasted my donated eyebrow hair.

6. Lay down boundaries. Just because I allowed to donate a few hairs, doesn't mean I'm going to continue to do so until those eyebrow hairs continue to grow. I'm glad I had done so. As soon as I finished my work on her face, she implied she needed a complete brow. Girl, don't make regret my generosity. When she realized it was a one time deal, she got all fidgety again. She didn't want to remove her hoodie.

That was some adventure. We still do not know why she had done it. She done did it anyway. She's not going to get a second take at my eyebrows again.